North of Montgomery

As a school administrator, I’ve had literally thousands of students visit my office over the years. And for various reasons. Some academic, some administrative, some just checking in or saying hello, but mostly for behavioral or disciplinary reasons. There’s just something about getting summoned to the principal’s office. While I assured students and parents that my office was the safest place in the building, the call always evokes a response in the student. Even when I communicated to middle schoolers that “they weren’t in trouble” in advance, many of them would show up in tears. I’ve seen every human emotion walk through my door in the last 15 years, but one thing has stuck out with me the most during these visits. And, it may surprise you.

Eye contact.

I’m not talking about the student’s eye contact as a social skill or nonverbal communication. Not direct eye contact from listening to my words or out of anger or an attempt at intimidation. Nor avoiding eye contact out of embarrassment or disassociation from what was happening in the conversation, but what they were doing with their eyes. I’ve had plenty of students make direct eye contact and just as many avoid looking at me, but I’ve noticed almost all of them do the exact same thing.

They search the room with their eyes.

They look at what I’ve got hanging on the wall. They examine the things on my bookshelf. They explore what’s on my desk. Pictures, trophies, mementos from previous classes and students, diplomas, awards and certificates, anything that is displayed is fair game. And often, I’ll get just as many, if not more, questions about these than I will about the reason for our visit or the subject of our conversation.

You were in the Army? You coached football? You went to Alabama?

What I’ve come to discover is that in that moment, it’s more important for them to know the person than it might be to understand the message, learn from the conversation, or accept the consequence of their behavior. They’re seeking connection. And there’s a great lesson in that. One that I’m still trying to learn and apply on a daily basis, and after doing this long enough to have children of former students visiting the principal’s office.